Monday, November 5, 2012
I am
a NICU mom, a twin mom, and an AMA mom.
(that last one is Advanced Maternal age). I was 39 when I was blessed with my twin
pregnancy. I am also an adoptive mom to
my 14 year old son. I did have
complications. Gestational diabetes, a
SCH (Sub chorionic hematoma), bleeding, cramping, and throwing up for the first
27 weeks. :/
My
sweet girls were born preemie at 32 weeks on the dot. I am a former NICU nurse, and I never, ever
thought I would be a NICU mama.
I
felt cramps, and ignored them. I would
later find out, it was PTL, Preterm Labor.
I am
angry at myself for my girls’ early delivery.
I should clarify and say, I hated my body on that day. It failed my girls and it failed me. I didn’t want to have babies in the NICU…I
was trained to take care of preemies …not at all prepared to be a mom on the
other side of the fence.
Lauren
was born vaginally and Kate was born via c-section on July 20, 2010. I recovered on a GYN floor. Found out later, I was on that floor instead
of regular Mother/Baby unit so I would not hear babies crying. It was too quiet and I didn’t like it at
all. I even asked why I was not on the regular mother/baby unit, and
a nurse said, “we do that so you won’t get sad hearing the babies cry.” I wanted to hear babies cry. I was a Mom just like those “term” moms. My babies were in the NICU, but I still was a
mom. Being on that floor away from all
the other moms and babies was awful. It was hard enough being in a completely
separate building from them. And to be
on a floor with a ton of old geezers in for GYN stuff was depressing.
My
girls were in the hospital for 2 months.
And it was NICU hell.
I
think knowing all that I did about preemies was good and not so good. I knew too much. And it was hard for me to be Mom, because I
was used to being the nurse in the room.
I’m
going to be honest: I was not a fan of
pumping breast milk. I did it for my girls. I knew their bowels were premature, and BM
would be the best nutrition for them. I
only pumped for a total of 3 months. I
had to stop, as it was making me a stress case.
I never got much milk and I tried just about every piece of advice I was
given to produce more milk. My body was
failing me again, and failing my girls.
Lauren,
my baby A was a chunk. She was close to
5 pounds. Kate, my baby B, had IUGR
(intrauterine growth retardation) and she was 3 pounds. Everyone always thinks the chunky babies are
healthy, but Lauren was very, very sick.
She was in PPHN (persistent pulmonary hypertension) caused from her PDA
and ASD. I was forbidden to touch her or
talk to her for 10 days. It was the
hardest 10 days of my life. She never
opened her eyes until the evening of day 10.
She was moments away from being placed on ECMO and they kept telling me
they were doing all they could. She was
a 2:1. (Two to one). That means, 2 nurses to 1 baby. She had so many things hooked to her sweet
little body, she needed the care of 2 nurses and 1 respiratory therapist.
She
was on the Oscillator (high frequency ventilator) for a long time. Lauren also came home on oxygen, a pulse ox
(pulse oximeter), and a cardiac monitor.
She needed oxygen for 3 months.
Thank God above I pushed to get her home, because I would not have
survived an additional 3 months in the hospital. I just wanted my girls at home.
In
the 2 months the girls were in the NICU, I only spent 7 hours at home away from
them. My husband insisted I sleep at
home, in our bed, so I would “feel better”.
It was awful being away from them, and I just worried
and could not sleep. From that moment
on, I stayed in the hospital with the girls.
I rarely saw the sun. And I did
try and take walks around the hospital and thru the courtyards to get fresh
air…but honestly, I just didn’t want to be outside when my girls were sick in
the hospital. I didn’t care at that time
if it was sunny and flowers blooming…
I
wished I had made a journal entry about the girls shortly after they were
born. I think I was on too much overload
to think about a journal. I know I would
have included more details of our NICU time.
I did learn a few things about NICU, that as a nurse, I had never
experienced before. I experienced
emotions as a NICU mom, and everyone in our family seemed to not fully
understand what I was going thru. That
is how I found this Preemie group on the Bump, and later, I joined them on
Facebook.
I
would read peoples “siggys” on the Bump to have HOPE. When I would see other
Preemie moms had survived the NICU, and they had a preemie pic next to a
current pic of their baby at age 1, I had HOPE.
It got me thru some of the hardest days in the NICU. Having a support group of other NICU/Preemie
Moms is a very healing place to go and share about all things Preemie. I can say and share things that most full
term moms will never understand. I am so
grateful for the women in the FB group.
Here
is my gripe list ;)
1. My babies are preemie. They are in the NICU. They need peace and quiet. They should still be on the inside. Please don’t ask a NICU mom if you can come
and visit. Support her thru meals, gift
cards to places that offer a carry out menu, and send her text messages. Even a card.
But give her space and time.
2. I hate hospitals. (and I am a nurse)
3. My 1 year olds are not doing
the same thing your 1 year old is doing.
Don’t point it out. I know my
little ones are delayed.
4. If you are carrying a baby, be
grateful for every ache and pain you have.
My friends and I would give anything to have those aches and pains. We would go thru anything to keep our babies
cooking and not be in the NICU.
5. Wash your hands. Our preemies are more vulnerable to colds,
flu’s, and any type of illness. If you
even think your throat is scratchy, STAY HOME.
And a week after you thought your throat was scratchy…I’m still going to
ask you to put on a mask.
If
you are on bed rest, I wish you as much cooking time as is possible. Remember, being on bed rest is truly a full
time job. You are growing a little
human, and that is an amazing job. Every day your LO (little one) can stay on
the inside~ is less NICU time. So do not
get discouraged. Online shop, shop,
shop. J
If
you are a preemie/Nicu mom, I wish you an uneventful stay in the NICU. And I hope you and your sweet baby are home
very, very soon. ::Hugs for you::
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